The Last Six Years Him: I changed doctors, did you know that? Me: I heard.....which doctor is this? Him: The therapist. Me: Oh. Him: Yea, and when I went he said its been 6 years since I was in the hospital. Me: That's good....that's really good. So much has happened in the last 6 years. It's crazy when I think about it. So much about me has changed since then and yet some stuff seems to be the same. I was a senior in HS. He went into the hospital, I had my senior prom and was in my first play all in the same weekend. I really liked someone for the first time. I made the biggest decision of my life at the time and choose to live away at college. Actually, I don't even consider that a choice--that had to be done. I would have suffocated if I stood there, here. I often feel guilty for leaving--how could I do that to them? At a time when they needed me most. But I know it was the right decision, I consider it one of the best decisions I've ever made. Funny, our relationship hasnt changed much at all in the last six years. I suppose I have a lot less hate. Maybe. I watched Godspell last night--SCMT's (before we were scmt) Godspell. the singing is far from great (althougth a few voices stand out), the dancing is simple (i mean where ya gunna move to on the 2 by 4 stage), the costumes and set are nothing to brag about (60s flowerchild and a sprayed painted wall with a fence) and two people fell on stage in the opening number (my body mic fell off and my ass hurt for a good 20 minutes). what stood out the most was the acting. in every scene we are all mesmorized by every word that came out of Jesus' mouth, by his every move---our eyes were always on him. it was so good because none of us were acting. the two leads in the play were our best friends and leaders in every day life. the president and vice president of our youth group-and two people who lived the words they were speaking. watching the show i felt myself sucked in as an audience member and drawn back to that time as a performer. we had never been on stage before and half of us couldnt sing for shit. but it didnt matter--bc the true message of the show came through. thats wats so beautiful about godspell and i think thats what the audience saw. Godspell means so much more to me than just my first show. I know ive written about this before--but its one of those things that has had a true effect on me. We rehearsed for an insane amount of time--but it was perfect bc it meant i could get out of my house and hang out with the people i love. those friendships i made are the ones that lasted--some of those people are my best friends and i still keep in touch with almost everyone in the show. and even if i havnt spoken to one of those friends in a long time i know i could just call them up and everything would be like it always was. thats the sign of true friendship. I see scmt as a true friendship maker (for lack of a better term). I mean of course its a theatre group and we're there to put on a show. but people make amazing friendships through scmt. we dont have a lot of people--and sometimes we get people who are interested and then they back out and it sucks bc then we have to fix the casting or be shitting ourselves because we have no chuck or no musical director --although that probelm is now solved :) or no tech crew (tech director for this summer--anyone??). but in the end the people who are there are the ones who truly want to be there and who get along best with the group and that is how the friendships form. i read messages that people leave each other on xanga or facebook or ims and its awesome bc these people werent friends before scmt and now they love and support each other so much. it makes me feel so good to be a part of it all. moving on.......about 6 years ago i really liked a boy for the first time.....about 6 years ago i was really hurt by a boy for the first time....i suppose the liking part automatically leads to the hurting part. and ive been getting hurt by boys ever since. i know its because i allow them to hurt me. its funny because i find myself in the exact situations that ive been before--and in some cases i mean exact. 2 of the boys i liked actually played the same part in godspell--one 6 years ago and one this past year. both had no idea what the part was about and really what the show was about and both came over to my house and i went over the script with them when they got the role. both had girlfriends and liked me. why was i always the other woman? because i allowed myself to be. one tried to kiss me this pass summer while he still had a gf and i pushed him away but honestly if it had been 6 years ago i probably would have just kissed him back. but after all that i went through in the last 6 years there was no way that was happening. cheating sucks for the all involved--trust me--when i say ive done it all i mean ive done it all and its not pretty. but ive learned from it and would never do it again and i proved that to myself this summer. its just frustrating that i always find myself in the same situation ----like 6 years and im still here, really? 6 years ago i graduated HS and this may ill graduate with my masters.......im really excited about this and am glad that ill get at least a year or two off from school bc its sooo draining. i feel like im in a good place right now as far as planning my future. ill teach then apply to phd programs and if i dont get in to a program (which honestly really might happen) ill get my second masters in school or counseling psych and to able to do therapy. i think ill be happy either way. 6 years.....it really isnt that much time, is it? 6 years from now ill be ....ewww...ill be 30. i predict ill be single, teaching/finishing up my phd program, no clue where ill be living, perhaps ill be typing at this computer in this living room. i predict our relationship will be the same. i suppose ill have forgiven him by then. maybe. | 